The most painful thing I have ever experienced
About a week and a half ago I experienced the most painful thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life.
For a little bit of perspective, we have to start when I was three. I was visiting some farm (can't remember where or why) and my parents took me to see some of the cows. Now, on this farm, the cows were enclosed by fences. Big deal you say. Well, these fences had electricity coursing through them. Somehow, I managed to touch my hand to one of these wires and it shocked the hell out of me. That is pretty much the only thing I remember from being three.
Fast forward to five. The kid who walks me to the bus stop (in Sault Saint Marie) likes to play hockey. While we're standing at the bus stop he is practicing and "accidentally" whacks me in the face. Don't really remember the pain that much, but I was 5 and he was 8. That would be like a giant clubbing you in the face with a 200 pound slab of wood.
Same year. My parents have a barbecue. Somehow, one of the briquets escapes the barbecue onto the patio. I am playing on the patio and step on the briquet. I blister the hell out of my foot. Ridiculously painful. Definately qualifies as the second most painful thing (but when wasn't walking the pain was bearable ... I think). Anyway.
Same year again (there must be something about Sault St. Marie and pain). I am chasing my little brother around the house. We had a great house since you could run in a full circle and thus keep chasing forever. Around this time, my parents are getting dinner ready and my mom has a stack full of plates. I manage to collide with the plates, completely shattering one against the middle of my forehead. I still have a scar. It may have been pretty painful, but I didn't have to touch it against anything (unlike say my foot or my tongue) so it definately doesn't qualify as the most painful ever.
Fast forward again til I'm about 9. I find a pully that my parents used to keep the boat in the ceiling of the garage. I decide to tie a rope from the tree in our back yard to the deck. I put said pully over the rope and attach the sailing vest (from the same boat) to it and go coasting down the rope. It's a shitty system and the rope keeps jumping off the pully so I have to hold on really tight. It's all fun and games until I get my finger jammed in the pully and rip the bejeezus out of it (the finger). Very painful. I remember it very clearly.
I manage to go the next 7 years without anything painful happening to me. I call these years the video game years. I once managed to beat 95 of the 96 Super Mario World levels without dying a single time. Not much risk of pain playing video games (except the pain of not being able to say that I beat all 96 levels without dying).
By my teen years, my pain was almost entirely self inflicted. I got myself pierced 3 times. Incidentally, my tongue was by far the least painful of the three. Barely hurt at all. The septum (the "middle" part of your nose) and the nipple were much more painful. Still, probably not as painful as the burning hot briquet. The septum was a very piercing pain but not very long lasting. The nipple ring kept getting caught on stuff (Sarah, blankets, the bed) while I was sleeping and each catch was a lot of pain.
Which brings me to the most painful thing in my life. The sunday before last (10 days ago) I experienced a little pain while I was eating lunch. Sometimes I get small sores that go away quickly and I didn't give it much thought. By dinner time, it is somewhat difficult to eat, but I manage to eat a pile of broccoli and some roast beef. This turns out to be one of the best things I did (since my diet would be, um, restricted for the next week or so).
The next day I wake up and the sore has multiplied in size. At this point it is about the size of a dime and it is painful to swallow (because of the very small amount that you move the tip of your tongue when swallowing). It doesn't really look like a canker sore, since it is so huge and since it is purple in spots. It turns out that the purple must have been some kind of bruising. It definately feels like a canker sore. Or at least the canker sore that all the other canker sores are afraid of.
By lunch time, I decide that I have to eat something and buy some canned ravioli. Really, really soft. Regardless, when I chew (on the opposite side of my mouth to the sore) it feels like I am actually chewing on my tongue. If you can think of the pain when you bite your tongue. Then pretend that you are really chomping really hard on your tongue. Then repeat that about 200 times for every piece of ravioli in the can. It felt like I was chewing my tongue.
I think the pain puts me into some kind of shock, because I go back to bed for about 4 hours. Dinner is a repeat. At this point, I actually consider cutting that part of my tongue off to help with the pain. Sarah tells me that that would give me a speech impediment. I didn't think that would be a major issue since I was talking pretty funny anyway. I decide this probably isn't the best idea. What if I miss and make the sore worse?
I eat exclusively ravioli and boost meal replacement drinks for about two days, when the pain subsides to the point where I can eat a (soft) meal in about an hour. One short week later I could mostly eat normal food and a week and a half later I am fine.
At it's largest, the canker sore was a little larger than a dime. It was unbelievably painful. Incidentally, once I got this sore, I remembered having one when I was about 11 and wailing at the top of my lungs in the car with my dad and grandpa. I still count this as the most painful, since I was a major wuss when I was 11.
For a little bit of perspective, we have to start when I was three. I was visiting some farm (can't remember where or why) and my parents took me to see some of the cows. Now, on this farm, the cows were enclosed by fences. Big deal you say. Well, these fences had electricity coursing through them. Somehow, I managed to touch my hand to one of these wires and it shocked the hell out of me. That is pretty much the only thing I remember from being three.
Fast forward to five. The kid who walks me to the bus stop (in Sault Saint Marie) likes to play hockey. While we're standing at the bus stop he is practicing and "accidentally" whacks me in the face. Don't really remember the pain that much, but I was 5 and he was 8. That would be like a giant clubbing you in the face with a 200 pound slab of wood.
Same year. My parents have a barbecue. Somehow, one of the briquets escapes the barbecue onto the patio. I am playing on the patio and step on the briquet. I blister the hell out of my foot. Ridiculously painful. Definately qualifies as the second most painful thing (but when wasn't walking the pain was bearable ... I think). Anyway.
Same year again (there must be something about Sault St. Marie and pain). I am chasing my little brother around the house. We had a great house since you could run in a full circle and thus keep chasing forever. Around this time, my parents are getting dinner ready and my mom has a stack full of plates. I manage to collide with the plates, completely shattering one against the middle of my forehead. I still have a scar. It may have been pretty painful, but I didn't have to touch it against anything (unlike say my foot or my tongue) so it definately doesn't qualify as the most painful ever.
Fast forward again til I'm about 9. I find a pully that my parents used to keep the boat in the ceiling of the garage. I decide to tie a rope from the tree in our back yard to the deck. I put said pully over the rope and attach the sailing vest (from the same boat) to it and go coasting down the rope. It's a shitty system and the rope keeps jumping off the pully so I have to hold on really tight. It's all fun and games until I get my finger jammed in the pully and rip the bejeezus out of it (the finger). Very painful. I remember it very clearly.
I manage to go the next 7 years without anything painful happening to me. I call these years the video game years. I once managed to beat 95 of the 96 Super Mario World levels without dying a single time. Not much risk of pain playing video games (except the pain of not being able to say that I beat all 96 levels without dying).
By my teen years, my pain was almost entirely self inflicted. I got myself pierced 3 times. Incidentally, my tongue was by far the least painful of the three. Barely hurt at all. The septum (the "middle" part of your nose) and the nipple were much more painful. Still, probably not as painful as the burning hot briquet. The septum was a very piercing pain but not very long lasting. The nipple ring kept getting caught on stuff (Sarah, blankets, the bed) while I was sleeping and each catch was a lot of pain.
Which brings me to the most painful thing in my life. The sunday before last (10 days ago) I experienced a little pain while I was eating lunch. Sometimes I get small sores that go away quickly and I didn't give it much thought. By dinner time, it is somewhat difficult to eat, but I manage to eat a pile of broccoli and some roast beef. This turns out to be one of the best things I did (since my diet would be, um, restricted for the next week or so).
The next day I wake up and the sore has multiplied in size. At this point it is about the size of a dime and it is painful to swallow (because of the very small amount that you move the tip of your tongue when swallowing). It doesn't really look like a canker sore, since it is so huge and since it is purple in spots. It turns out that the purple must have been some kind of bruising. It definately feels like a canker sore. Or at least the canker sore that all the other canker sores are afraid of.
By lunch time, I decide that I have to eat something and buy some canned ravioli. Really, really soft. Regardless, when I chew (on the opposite side of my mouth to the sore) it feels like I am actually chewing on my tongue. If you can think of the pain when you bite your tongue. Then pretend that you are really chomping really hard on your tongue. Then repeat that about 200 times for every piece of ravioli in the can. It felt like I was chewing my tongue.
I think the pain puts me into some kind of shock, because I go back to bed for about 4 hours. Dinner is a repeat. At this point, I actually consider cutting that part of my tongue off to help with the pain. Sarah tells me that that would give me a speech impediment. I didn't think that would be a major issue since I was talking pretty funny anyway. I decide this probably isn't the best idea. What if I miss and make the sore worse?
I eat exclusively ravioli and boost meal replacement drinks for about two days, when the pain subsides to the point where I can eat a (soft) meal in about an hour. One short week later I could mostly eat normal food and a week and a half later I am fine.
At it's largest, the canker sore was a little larger than a dime. It was unbelievably painful. Incidentally, once I got this sore, I remembered having one when I was about 11 and wailing at the top of my lungs in the car with my dad and grandpa. I still count this as the most painful, since I was a major wuss when I was 11.
posted by Timothy Fowler at 3/09/2005 11:02:00 PM
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